I simply do not know…

I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. It is quite possible that this night has broken us.

I keep explaining, and talking about how I felt, what was happening inside me that night. How I was drowning. How I was trying to get you to help me. To give me friendly smile, to lack eyes with me for few seconds, to play with me a little.

But all I was getting was cold shoulder. You did not want to be bothered. You finally got a piece of ass and nothing could keep you from her.

Rejection. Dismissal. Loneliness. Disappointment. Resentment.

You yelled at me that I need to learn to share. I am sharing already. I am sharing with your wife. I am sharing with woman from the couple you used to bull for, who lost her husband and now needs you, your support. But at one point there is not much left to share. And when you share with too many people, the foundations are not that strong. It is easy to rattle them.

You keep making me feel shitty about my need for re-assurances in swinging scene. I’ve been doing a lot of research, searching for help, for answers, and apparently what I am asking is not that unusual. Many couples play by these rules. The wellbeing of their partner is the most important thing for them even when they are fucking stranger.

And that hurts. It hurts admitting that you keep dismissing my feelings from that night.

I told you “I’m sorry I was not able to handle it”, more than once. I still keep feeling guilty about it. You haven’t said once “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. That wasn’t my intention”. You don’t think you did anything wrong. Theoretically, you did not. You just pushed past my boundary.

You are great in checking on me when we are doing BDSM scene- you keep asking me if I am ok. You respect my limits.

But when there is attractive woman that wants to play with you, all that is out of window. My Dom, my Daddy, who is supposed to take care of me, is gone. Gone busy fucking.

When there are other men playing with us, you are still my priority. You can take over anytime. No matter how many guys are there, you are always satisfied.

That did not happened that night. You did not let me join your play the way you are joining my play. That left me feeling powerless. Powerless. Rejected. Lonely.

You knew that this is not my environment. We have swung few times with other couples. I have enjoyed tremendously some of them. I felt connected to you, it brought us closer. Those times we were team. We weren’t team that night. We were two people fucking strangers next to each other .

My self-esteem got really kicked that night. What’s worse – for the first time ever in my life, I doubted my sexuality. One of few things in my life that I felt good about, one of few things I always knew I am good at. I am still recovering from it..

I don’t know how this drama will end. When there was issue with this other woman months ago – I told you we may not survive another night like that. I am hurting too much, and I start distancing myself, because that’s the only way to survive the rollercoaster of emotions.

I am forever thankful to you for giving me adventures of my life. I never thought that my fantasies will come to life , and you’ve made it happen. I really hope we won’t lose all that, we have had great time together these three years. And there are still so many things to discover and explore.

Maybe not all is lost

Ok. Maybe not all is lost with swinging. Maybe if we re-define it, we can do it together.

I went through thousands of emotions, including wondering if John and I survive. then on Saturday we went to house BDSM party, very friendly and casual event. John’s generosity that night more than made up for that swingers night week earlier. We are good.

So, what was it all about, that newest drama? We were going to the club for swingers night. I felt really good about it, and I really was hoping we’ll find a fun couple so John gets some action too. We had bunch of adventures geared to my benefit lately, it was his turn. And he has been doing so many things for me in our vanilla lives, I really should stop doubting him.

Few nights earlier we were snoozing in my bed after another fun night, and it felt great. I told him that I want him to enjoy himself on Saturday, that he did so many things for me, in vanilla life and pervert’s life, that it was his turn to have a little bit of fun.

We’ve met really fun couple with similar vibe in the club that night. I loved the woman, we’ve been very chatty together and it was me who ask her if they want to play.

What I did not forsee was that John would have so much fun he would completely ignore me throughout the evening. He and his wife are hard core swingers, they did whatever they wanted and did not have to worry about each other feelings, because they were fine. That’s what he used to used to.

Well, I am not hard core swinger. I need a little bit connection, interaction now and then, and I would be fine, as many times before. He is fine playing next to each other but not together.I tried to make it more of a group play couple times. He complied but seemed annoyed, which completely threw me off. I never seen him annoyed with me.

I understand that he is a wild, sexually inhibited man , and I love that because it lets me be inhibited too. He was in full play mode, like he used to. I am simply not ready yet to deal with it. I felt totally disconnected from him. And I usually feel the opposite during snd after play.

I do not want to write about the whole drama anymore, as we have talked it through. In short – what for me was reaching out for connection, he saw it as looking for attention, as a need to be in the center. I was thrown on deep water and was asking him to throw me a life jackets, so I can swim. He did not throw it.

I told him right after that I do not want to swing anymore. We argued and drove home with hardly any talk. We kept reaching out to each other now and then, touch for a minute, trying to keep connection, but we both were hurt and disappointed.

I could easily see his perspective. I told him to go and have fun. He did and got busted for it.

My perspective was – he pushed past my boundary. My resentment kept growing over days, because we’ve talked so many times about it, about what I need in order to be able to swing at all. I don’t think he really heard me.

He does hear me know. We will take baby steps with swinging.

Next adventure – visiting guy that we’ve met at one of house parties and had great time together. Safe space for me, no women involved:)

Last week adventure – more rigging. And sensory deprivation hood. Looks awful but lets you stay in a zone.

Disappointed in myself

It is official – I can not handle swinging. At least that classic couple on couple swing. I tried, really tried, I really thought that I finally got it, but it blew up in our faces. it ended up with John and me taking few days break, as each of us needed space to digest it.

At the end we both came to the same conclusion: we can not do it again. This is not me. We ended up in this place because we were trying to make me someone I am not, and it backfired again.

I have a state of mind of a hotwife. We both knew it. We will continue what we both enjoy: BDSM, mfm, group sex (men and women) gang bang, occasional play in the club with others, but we will not seek couples for a play. John can go swinging with someone else.

I will not make him give up his sexuality and freedom. I am not going to put him in cage. We both have to accept each other the way we are. And we are different. He can swing, just not with me.

So, on one side there is relief . On the other side – I am very disappointed. I’ve been enjoying the lifestyle and play and all the fun and I have been enthusiastically expanding and growing and that was thrilling. And then “bang” – head straight into the wall. The glass ceiling of my own limitations.

I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I lost something truly amazing. It seems all my insecurities are now on stereoids. I feel bruised, I am licking my own wounds.

I will find my footing eventually. I have to get over myself, accept what I knew all along.

Deep into the sub-space

Not always I fell into a subspace during our play. And if I fell, it can be a different degree of intensity, sometimes less, sometimes more intense.

Not last night. We had three scenes in the club, and one of them was incredibly intense. I am still feeling its effect now, day after.

I am not big on impact play or spanking, or pain. In my fantasies about BDSM, before I actually entered the scene, there was no impact play. Now, we do a lot of it. But for me it is not about pain- it is about dynamic and submission, it is often also about humiliation; and yes – it can feel like a deep tissue massage, making your body actually feel better and lighter….

The irony is I have a very low threshold for pain. I have a vasal-vagal reaction to pain. If it hurts too much, my blood pressure goes down and I faint. I actually passed out for few seconds once on St. Andrew’s cross, when we tried to push it a little further. Fainting drains the energy out of you, so the rest of the evening was slow.

There is only one exception: my breasts…. Squeezing hard, twisting, pulling my nipples will get me wet and almost high.

The very first time I visited dungeon and used one of the dungeon’s equipment – I went very deep in subspace. And did not repeat that level of intensity until last night.

It was similar piece of equipment. Kind of like a big chair where your arms and legs are cuffed to it , immobilized. Legs are spread wide, breasts are hanging loose. You are exposed for all to see, you are helpless. You are on display, objectified, flogged, humiliated. Your pussy is soaking, your mind is in alternate state.

That’s what happened yesterday. It was our first visit to this club, we went with some friends, and it was great night.

We have started with bench scene, which I always like. They are more comfortable than cross scenes. It was nice, good, long scene. We rested after, had some after-care time, chatted with friends.

Then we looked around trying to decide on next scene. My eyes lighted up when I saw this big, tall, sturdy chair in the corner. That was it.

I sat on the chair. The seat is high and gives you good view of the room. It also makes you visible to the whole room. Three years ago that would bother me, not anymore.

John tells me to take my blouse off. He lets me keep the skirt but raises it high up. The skirt and black fishnet thigh highs is all I am wearing. He cuffs my hands above my head, each on one side, then spreads my legs and cuffs my ankles to the sides of the chair. Next comes blindfold, than gag ball.

I am now ready. John knows that sensory deprivation, and being immobilized is my fantasy. And being fucked while tied, blindfolded, with my ears plugged is on my list. We can not fuck today, there is no sex allowed in the club. We do, however, have it planned in near future. But that will be separate story..

I sit on my big chair. I hear voices around me, I hear thuds of the floggers. and smacks on bare bottoms. Someone is tickled, and screams loud.

It is all background noise to me, blindfold keeps me in my own world. Gag ball keeps me from talking. Cuffs keep me in the space I was given. My breasts are on full display, so is my pussy.

There is nothing I can do about any of these. I feel calm inside.

John starts flogging my breasts, my arms, my thighs, my pussy. I am giving in to the sensation, taking it all in. He is changing tools that he is using on me, different floggers, crops, whips. The hits come stronger and more frequent. My body is trying to wiggle away, as much as the cuffs allow. My pussy is on fire, crop repetitively hitting it, while I struggle and whimper through the ball gag.

Now it all stops. I exhale, and sit quietly not knowing what to expect. I listen to the voices around me. John’s warm hands start kneading my breasts, harder and harder. Then he starts squeezing my nipples, squeezing, and twisting and pulling them very hard. My body trashes in that chair, trying to pull away from his unforgiving hands, my muffled screams come through my gagged lips. I surrender to that pain. I surrender by letting myself scream, and pull away, and fight it, while at the same time, this is all I want. John is pulling much harder now and my body gets into fighting mode, trying violently to wiggle away from his hands.

I jerk hard when the nipple clamps close on my nipples. My body welcomes the new sensation, pain radiating throughout my breasts. John pulls on the chain the clamps are connected to each other, sending shot of pain through my body again, and I keep fighting him, as much as I can with my hands and legs tied up.

I do not have a chance. I am exposed to the whole room, my struggles with pain and humiliation for all to see. I do not think about it, I am floating in my own world, world full of sensation, exctasy, pain, pleasure.

John unhookes my right leg, puts it across the armsrest and cuffs it again. Now I am even more exposed to the world, my pussy wide open, on display. I no longer sit nice and tidy in the chair, I am almost thrown across the chair, like toy that was very well used and played with.

John puts his fingers in my soaking pussy, spreads my juices all over. He teases my clit, with one hand, while torturing my nipple. I cum quietly. The flogger hits my pussy and my breasts again.

He plays with me for a while longer, keeping my body on fire, and my mind in clouds. Finally it is time to stop. He frees my hands and my legs , takes the gag ball out, and asks me to hold on to him and follow him. I step off the big chair, still blindfolded, and carefully make few steps following him. He makes me sit in the regular chair, and cuffs my handcuffs together “stay here”, while he cleans up the area and outs his toys away.

I sit there quietly, obediently waiting, still savoring all that happened, still deep in my sub-space. Finally he takes off the handcuffs and blindfold. I see the word “slut” drawn on each of my breasts. I have no idea when he drew that. He brings me my blouse, the sign that I can get dressed and become a part of the crowd again.

I don’t want to leave my subspace. I have such a big need to serve my Sir. But this is not happening while in the club. I have to wait until later to get down on my knees and use my tongue and my lips to hungrily pleasure him. The need to kneel and put him in my mouth was very deep, I needed to feel used and appreciated, and in the right place.

He let me pleasure the way I wanted and then he hold my head still while he pushed himself in and out, fucking my mouth until I felt the warmth of his cum down my throat. Still on my knees, I gently sucked and licked him clean, my tongue and lips sensually playing with him, now relaxed, without hurry. Afterwards, I sat on the floor, by his feet and rested my head on his lap. He moved his hand to my lips and I kissed it, and licked it, and kissed again. We stayed like this for a while, his hands playing gently with my hair, caressing my face, my eyes closed. This was a place where I belong.

Super Bowl Swingers Party

There are two big screen tvs playing in the background. One inside, one outside in the lanai. Most people are there, waiting for the game to start. John and I enter the master bedroom to see if there is any action there. There is. There is a couple that I do not know on the bed. There is woman I know on the ottoman by the bay window. She is on her four, her breast swinging, escaping from her tight blouse. She is getting good fuck there, definitely not by her husband. I played with her husband a while ago and have very warm memories of that time.

We sit on the edge of the bed, watching them. There is single guy sitting on the chair next to them. He is naked, slowly moving his hand up and down his cock. He is not a bad looking guy. I look straight at him, at his cock, at his face. He notices me watching him, and we hold eye contact for few seconds. The game is on. I let him know I was interested, the rest is up to him.

John starts kissing me. We now stand facing each other, he pulls my breasts out and start squeezing my nipples. Hard. He know this guarantees immediate arousal. I pull his cock, hold it in my hand, squeeze it and move my hand up and down. In my peripheral vision I see the other guy getting up and coming over. “Hi” I say welcomingly and take his cock in my other hand. I play with both of them, two hard, warm cocks, very similar in shape and size. I feel them getting harder, and ready for action. I want to taste them. I lower myself and put John’s cock in my mouth for few seconds, then the other guy. I tease them that way for a while, before putting both of them in my mouth, sucking on them. At that moment I hear national anthem playing in the background. The game has started. National anthem and two cocks. Let’s the game begin.

They were taking turns fucking me. Then we moved to ottoman, where I got on my four and we play split roast.. One was fucking me from behind, the other one was on his knees in front of me with his cock in my mouth. This guy turned to be a really good fuck, strong, hard, energetic. There was a moment, when the three of us got caught in the rhythms of synchronized thrusts, and we just had to go with the flow. There are two other guys standing right next to us, watching, commenting. I’ve met each of them several times before, but never played. Each of them has shown pretty strong interest in playing with me before, and were very verbal about it. Now, finally they had a chance. They were all rotating, taking turns. John passed his phone to one of them and asked to take some pictures. They actually turned out to be pretty hot:)

Then they were gone. It was just the three of us, now properly introduced. His name is Jack. Guys exchanged phone numbers, so we could arrange for a private play in the future. He seemed like a good fit.

We went to eat and drink a little, socialize with others, watch game a little bit. I looked pretty relaxed with that happy “just being well fucked” face. But both of us are people of action. We do not go to those parties to sit and chat, we go for action. Before long, we went back to the bedroom. There was a woman on the bed, being fucked by two guys, her husband lying next to her and watching. I rest my arms on bed next to him, while John starts fucking me from behind. I tease his soft cock with my tongue, he smiles. He is one of those that can not get a hard on anymore, but still enjoys the action. Still enjoy warm mouth on their cock, even if it stays soft.

Pretty soon Jack is back in the game. John moves over to another woman, and the guy who was with her, starts fucking me, along with Jack. I see John’s cock disappearing in other woman’s mouth. She is on her back, being fucked, her mouth hungry for hard cock. John is kneeling over her face, his cock coming in and out of her mouth. I can hear her moaning in pleasure, her eyes closed, her husband’s hand caressing her breasts. I feel very happy for John at this moment.

Eventually we take a break again. I sit down with the drink in front of tv, in the crowd of swingers more interested in football then swinging, at least tonight. Jack sits next to me, and we sit together in a comfortable peaceful silence watching game, exchanging few words now and then. Yes, he will be a good fit for us.

It’s getting closer to the end of the game. John takes me by my hand, and takes me back to the bedroom. Nobody is there anymore. “I want to fuck you”. “Still?” I laugh. “Oh, yeah….” He pushes me down on the bed, and enters me slowly. He takes his time with every thrust, so we both can feel its power. He whispers in my ear “You were sooo hot tonight, I was very proud. It was so hot to watch you with all those guys, sucking them, being fucked. You were the most fucked woman here tonight” He is standing there, thrusting his hard cock inside me, while I am laying very relaxed, taking him in, the whole familiarity of his cock, feeling him inside me. Feeling well taken care of, and satisfied, and happy. My hands are above my head like I am stretching, I smile very relaxed smile, and just enjoy it.

Someone comes in. One of the guys who fucked me at the very beginning. He lies down on the bed next to me, on his side and watches us. The other guy is standing next to me on the other side. They both start playing with my breasts, slowly, sensually, without rushing. They caress my body, suck on my breasts, all while John is fucking me. This is heaven. “I’ve been wanting to fuck this ass since the first time I saw you”, says one of them dreamingly. He did fuck me finally earlier today. He shifts his body, so I can put my mouth on his cock. I am enjoying it, taking it slow, playfully, caressing him with my tongue and lips. Then I turn my head to the other side, and play with his cock . We are all after all night of fucking, so nobody is rushing anymore, we all are just enjoying the slower time, slower action, sensual play. I feel happy and relaxed, I know these guys, I am comfortable with them. Jacks comes in to the room, and stands behind John watching.

Three or four guys at the time. It seems this is my favorite scenario. No women, and I am center of attention. I hate to be center of attention in my regular life, I am more of a “let me be” type. It turned out the opposite in sex. Who knew?

After it is all done, John and I go to the bathroom. My hair looks crazy, goes into every direction, screaming “I’ve been fucked”. I need to fix it, but I do not have a brush. John pulls out a comb from his pocket and tells me to sit down on the vanity stool that’s there. “I’ll do it” he says softly. He patiently combs through, untangles all the knots created in passion, one by one. I sit quietly. This feels very intimate. His fingers go through my hair, gently combing it. He goes around me, to make sure he got everything. All of the sudden I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and I place gentle kiss on his hand. He looks at me for few seconds without saying a word, like he understood where it came from.

We drove back home fulfilled and relaxed. We had more sex, just the two of us now, long, sensual sex, with hot words, and staring in each other eyes feeling the same thing in the same moment.

Life gets in the way…

There were some big changes in my life, and there is just not enough time and energy to write blog stories, or even follow the writings of fellow bloggers.

I started new job, while still working in my old business. I am really enjoying new job and the people, but after I go home, i still have the other one to follow. I spend most of the weekends now at home, at my computer, and some of the weeknights too. It should get better in few months but for now it is what it is.

But I am not giving up my kinky Saturday nights with John. We still go out-clubs or private houses, and enjoy ourselves.

There are so many adventures I would like to write about, hopefully soon. Super Bowl swingers party, where I got my mini-gang bang, with strong fucks but also gentle caressing. My first fire play. Yes, fire play! Rigging – hanging in the air, courtesy of one of the best riggers in the area. Play with another BDSM couple who brought their male sub. Such a new and exciting experience. In the near future medical play awaits, and who knows what…,

But at the moment I am too tired to write. I put some mindless show on and try to relax.

But hopefully soon I’ll get my writing mojo back 😉

Beautiful evening, beautiful people ….

I look around. It is a beautiful house. Not too big, just perfect for a couple, tastefully decorated. John and I are visiting one of the couples he bulls for once in a while, Kristi and Kevin. I’ve met them a while ago at a party, played with the husband a little. Very nice people, older than me. They are like John, with lifetime experience in swinging. All three of them are very experienced players, who’ve done everything, have seen everything. I am just the beginner, still trying to figure out what I like, what I don’t.

I feel here very comfortable. I took John’s advice and have decided to enjoy the experience, people, their uniqueness, instead of comparing. I do not expect that kind of fuck John can give me and that’s ok. For that I have him. This is about enjoying others, being present now and here. Celebrate our sexuality, our bodies.

We are given a tour of the house, that ends in the bedroom. We chat few more minutes, before John and Kristi start kissing. Kevin and I look at each other with a smile. I take my glasses off and put them on the dresser “I don’t think I need them”…

We are facing each other, our bodies touching. He puts his hands around my waist, I wrap mine around his neck. “You look great” he whispers before putting his lips on mine. We kiss slowly, without a rush, enjoying it. Our hands exploring each other. I massage his hard cock through the fabric of his pants. He pulls my blouse up above my head, while I shake down my skirt. Now I am helping him to take his shirt off.

The other couple is already fucking. She is on her back on the bed, and John is standing between her legs, pounding her hard. Kristi likes it hard, like me and John is giving it to her. She screams loud, throwing “oh fuck” now and then.

I push Kevin down, to sit on the edge of the bed. He watches me as I get down on my knees. I look up on him, my hands slowly caressing his face. He kisses my hand, sucks on a finger. I bring my hands down, and put it on his thighs, opening his legs wider. My lips close gently on his erect penis, taking it all in, and then back up again. I repeat it few times before I let my tongue run loose, around the shaft, around his balls. I suck him gently, following his body response.

After few minutes, he helps me get up and tells me to lie down on my back on the edge of the bed. now he kneels between my legs, I can see his head full of hair while his tongue explores me. I close my eyes and enjoy it. He is masterful and passionate, and I sigh in pleasure.

Kristi face is next to me. She is on her four, John behind her. I catch his eye and we smile.

Kevin stands up and pulls me by my legs closer to the edge of the bed. I wrap my legs around him and he enters me and starts fucking. “Do you kiss girls?” He asks. “I can” I answer with a smile. He and his wife exchange brief looks…

While he is fucking me, I put my fingers in my mouth to make them wet and then start rubbing my clit. I keep rubbing it while he fucks me. Not easy to cum for me in such big company, but I am not giving up, we both are not giving up. Finally, I feel spasms taking over my body, and I start trashing in uncontrollably, wave of orgasm after another.

“You go girl”, I hear happy encouragment from Kristi. Oh, I did go…:)

I am still panting, when we lay down on bed to rest. John is behind me, I’m leaning against him with my back. Kristi gets off the bed, and stands at the foot of the bed “you have to bring her closer” , she says. I move myself down, and she pulls me by my legs, spreads them with her hands, and kneels. I watch her face disappear between my legs, and her warm, skilfull tongue is devouring me. I sigh and lay back, my body opening to the new experience. It turns out it doesn’t matter to whom the tongue belongs….

John changes position and starts playing with my breasts. Kevin does the same on the other side. They both use their mouths and their fingers, sucking, licking, pulling on my breasts. I am surrounded by three people, who all are pleasuring my body in ways I have not had experienced before. I raise my head to watch Kristi, and John puts his arm under my neck to help me hold it up, so I can enjoy my beautiful visual.

I am loving it. My body is loving it. my favorite number: four people playing. Three mouths on me, three tongues on me, six hands on me. I want this moment last forever….

Kristi’s tongue is teasing my clit, bringing me close to orgasm and holding back. Her tongue like a flutter of butterfly. I moan, I wiggle, I sigh. I caress backs of John and Kevin, move my hand to Kevin’s cock. He brings it closer and I put him in my mouth, while his wife’s tongue is deep in me. John is enjoying the show, laying next to me, his hand going gently up and down my body.

Kristi stands up, all smiles. I sit up and kiss her briefly „thank you. That was a first one for me”. She whispers „Thank you…..I really needed it”

We all rest on the bed now. They are telling me stories of wild parties from the past, and muse on the changes in their lifestyle brought by the age. Then we move to more casual subjects like insurance, etc, all while naked. John spoons me while we talk. Kevin’s cock is close to my face so now and then I suck on it gently, while they continue conversation. I am resting against John’s body and play with his cock with my hand. He gets hard again and starts fucking me while Kristi and Kevin watch.

Later, after we are all done, I go to the bathroom. When I come back, it is only Kristi and Kevin in the kitchen. I catch them in a very intimate moment. They stand very close, facing each other, their foreheads touching, their hands caressing each other gently, whispering some secrets. It is beautiful picture. Couple that has been together over forty years, still loving each other, still desiring each other, still wanting and needing each other. Their bodies are not what they used to be but their minds and hearts are the same.

This was beautiful evening. Beautiful love making. Beautiful cherishing of life and vitality. Later, John and I spent another couple hours together at my home, when we made very sensual love, followed by quiet time together, naked bodies nested together under sheets, my head on his chest listening to his heart beat, his arm around me, his hand playing with my hair.

Beautiful evening all around.

On St. Andrew’s cross, Part 2

I am tied to St. Andrew’s cross, now facing the room. I can hear club getting busy around me, talks, laughs, steps. My back is still warm from being mercilessly flogged by Sir. I am on full display, but I can not see anything. I can not say anything. Blindfold on my eyes, ball gag in my mouth. My arms tied high up to the cross, my legs spread wide, ankles secured to the cross . Helpless and obedient, and excited about what’s to come. Sir pulled down my red blouse, tacking it under my breasts, putting them on full display. He pulled up my skirt and tacked it around my waist exposing my pussy. I don’t know who is watching. I can’t see, I can’t talk, I can’t move. All I can do is stand there and wait.

But he is not ready for play yet. He squeezes my nipple hard and puts a nipple clamp on it. I gasp, but pain settles within seconds, creating that welcome state of chronic arousal. Repeat on second breasts, and I am now fully aroused. Now we are ready to continue our play.

I hear his steps around me, getting closer and then suddenly I struggle for air, his hand on my throat, muffled noise coming from my mouth. His other hand slapping my breasts hard. Then all is gone. Quiet.

He comes back with heavy flogger, hitting it rhythmically over my breasts, pain exacerbated by clamps. Goes with it for few minutes, before changing his focus to my pussy. He changed the flogger from thuddy (my preferred) to stingy, more painful. I cry through the ball gag, as stings hit my pussy, and my thighs. It is harder than we usually play, and more intense. Stings come one after another, building momentum, I am making whimpering noises, while my body is trying to wiggle to avoid smacks, but it can not.

He stops. Pushing flogger under my chin, he says “Thank you, Sir” …. I obediently repeat after him “thank you, Sir”, only humilating mumble coming out of my gagged mouth. And everything starts all over, my pussy is really getting beating today, stings coming across one after another without break. I cry, I try to avoid it, but I am taking it without protest. I don’t like pain, this is more than I like, but today it is putting me in very submissive space. I hear voices in the background, but I do not care. And even if I cared, what could I do?….

And it’s over. He makes me again mumble “Thank you, Sir”. I can hear smile in his voice, when he responds sweetly “You’re welcome, sweety”. I feel something soft – Sir is using small piece of fur to massage my body, to calm it down, to give it experience opposite of flogging. Soft, warm, fuzzy.

He releases my arms first. Puts them down my body, and holds me for few seconds, to let me get balance. The same after unfastening my legs. “Stay” he commands and leaves me. I hear him packing all his floggers into his big bag on wheels, and then he is going away somewhere, his steps disappearing. I am now alone, free to move now, but I am standing as I was  told. I am resting against the cross, but I still have blindfold on, and a ball gag, nipple clams still pinching. I do not know who is watching me standing like that. Men, women? do I know them?

My Sir is back. He takes my hand and we are slowly moving somewhere. I just follow him, holding on to his hand, not able to see anything. I assume we are going to one of the private rooms, and I am right. They are private, but instead of the door, there is only red see through curtain.

Another command “Sit”. I sit on the edge of the bed, and he takes off my ball gag. My mouth are still wet and sloppy from it.

“Kneel” comes another order. I get down on my knees, hands on my sides. It’s quiet in the room. I am kneeling obediently, ready to serve my Sir. Hand in my hair: „Open your mouth” .I open my mouth and put my lips on the cock in front of me and start sucking, like a good girl. I realize, in full shock, that I am not familiar with this cock…. I have no idea whom I am sucking, but I do not dare to stop. Sir grabs my hair and says “yes, little girl, surprise. I got you present. Actually two of them”.

I feel hands on my ass now, someone starts caressing me. Sir pushes his cock into my already full mouth, his hand holding my head by my hair. I’m busy sucking two cocks in my mouth, while there is someone trying to fist me. I moan, lose one of the cocks but keep licking and sucking the other one. Not Sir’s. I dropped to my fours, pushing my ass invitingly to whomever was behind me, asking them to fuck me, while I am sucking that cock. But instead I feel tongue exploring me. I give a loud moan, and stop sucking for a second. Now it is my Sir feeding me his cock, and I am taking good care of him.

“Get up” – quick command, and now I am on bed, on my four. Someone enters me from behind, and someone else fills my mouth again. Someone is sliding under me and starts sucking on my breasts. I am in absolute heaven….. I have strangers fucking me, fucking really well, three of them. My favorite number. They are taking turns, changing positions, all fucking my brains out.

I came to the room being in such sub space, and was thrown into even more submissiveness. I am totally in sub space, and in slut space, nothing else matters.

Finally, we are all done. Even I am ready for a break. They finished on my breasts, and Sir left his cum inside me. Someone is kissing me on the lips “Thank you.. that was amazing”, the other one squeezes playfully my breats and says thank you and good by too. Now, after they leave, Sir is finally taking my blindfold and we snuggle together under blankets. “Thank you”, I whisper in his ear.

More of poly/swingers dilemma…

Trying to figure out again some of my poly/swinging issues, and I am coming to a little unsettling conclusion. I am more and more convinced that I am way more of hot wife than general swinger. Which is not exactly the road John and I were planning on.

When I started my BDSM and sexual explorations, things were exhilarating. The freedom, breaking down taboos, getting rid of feelings of shame, etc. I was jumping in every new experience head first and coming out stronger and happier. Impact play in public (club), sex in public, more and more intense BDSM scenes in private. First swinging night – with three men. Adult theater – with many more men. MFM threesomes. Occasional play in public with another couple.

Almost from the beginning of swinging it had become apparent, that I enjoy male only company much more than when another woman is also involved. I was even joking that I do not like competition:) With time I had learnt to enjoy occasional play with another couple in the club – we would say good bye afterwards and never see them again. That is fun and wrote about it here.

However, recently that sense of freedom and exhilaration has been replaced too often by frustration and anxiety. Some of you witnessed and helped big time with the meltdown I had over jealousy issue. I worked through that (and keep working), but that feeling of unease keeps coming back in certain situations.

I am trying to figure out why, and I think I am getting close. Women. I accept them and even enjoy (sometimes a lot) playing together with another couple, woman including, when it is anonymous. Strangers who shared fun with us for half an hour or an hour, and then disappeared from our live.

However, we’ve been looking for another couple for more consistent play on regular basis. We had drinks few days ago with one couple, and we all agreed to meet for a play in the club on Saturday night. I was really excited about it. They nice people, he very social, she more guarded but nice.

I was very excited about that night. We had good time together, I did not feel jealous at all, it was fun. Later we all sat by the fire (the same one that caused so much drama in the past, lol) , John cozy and happy with her, me cozy and happy with the other guy. Me and her sitting next to each other, joking, talking. Really enjoying each other’s company after good sex. But something was starting brewing inside me. And no, nobody crossed any borders, everything was as it was supposed to. There was no objective reason.

But there was subjective reason. Watching John having his arm around her, flirting happily was making me …. I don’t know what? not happy? Mind you – I was doing the same with her husband. I enjoyed talk with him, touching each other, talking about sex – all while I knew and understood, that this does not affect what John and I have at all. We are just being friendly after good sex, we had good connections, but this is it. Sex, chat, flirt – nothing more.

So, I understand the concept, I live it. But I do not seem to give the same right to John. And I have been trying, for long time. Still trying. But I am afraid that sooner or later I will have to accept the fact that this is not working for me. First time after three years of explorations, I am not happy as I should be. I am stressed, I am anxious. And I think I need to start listening to what my body tells me. I wasn’t listening to my gut in my marriage, and was doing things against myself. I can not repeat it again.

And my brain has engaged already self-defense mechanism – I feel distancing myself emotionally from John. Because that’s easier, less painful. And that stresses me even more, because I do not want that. I haven’t talked to John about it yet. I am myself just discovering what’s going on inside me. I am not sure how much of that to share, how much should I just keep inside and deal with it.

Deep down I know that the hot wife scenario is what works for me. But I also know that John needs women as much as I need men. He is more than happy to share me, while I seem not being able to fully reciprocate that attitude.

But I also wonder if things would be different for me, if after all that fun, we were going back home together, to life shared, to life grounded in everyday living together. Then few hours of fun may not feel as threatening. I will never know. He is married, and I have kids at home.

I don’t know yet what’s the solution. I will still give it time – maybe I will get over that hump. There were few things during those three years, that I evolved to enjoy. We plan to play with another couple again.

I think I am ready to start dating again. Solo, just me. I have stopped after that short lived affair from a year ago, and just focused on all good stuff I have with John. But I think it is time to start going out again. That maybe what’s needed in this situation – me getting out on my own, to boost my self esteem a bit, to have fun a bit. Also, to bring some balance to our relationship.

Although if I remember correctly, dating scene is brutal…

I have a problem…

The problem is my guy is just the best fuck there is. How is it a problem? When we swinging, there is hardly ever another guy who can fuck like him. I almost always feel underfucked, and feel the other lady gets better end of the deal …. Although he does have to tone it down for them too, it could be too much for some. I am having fun, and still enjoying it, but I need him later to top it.

The best swinging for me is few guys, no women🤷🏻‍♀️ Hot wife mindset… gang bang. This kind of set up is most satisfying to me, and it relaxes me for days afterwards. But even in those situations, guys will ask for break at one point, and I am not even close to needing breakers…

That’s why visiting adult theater, where I got fucked by over twenty guys , was really amazing experience for me. I left place 100% satisfied.

John keeps telling me not to compare other guys to him, because he is a bit of an anomaly, especially if you look at his age. He says to enjoy every experience for its uniqueness, to appreciate every minute. Wise words, I can not deny .

But not always easy to do, if „I can get no satisfaction” …. Neurotic in me I envies John steadiness. I myself often go through, to quote another song, the „is there all there is?” phase. Enjoy something, but right after there is drop, similar to sub drop. From high to low.