Erotic ride through the darkness

Car moves smoothly in the darkness on interstate. My breasts are fully exposed: white, heavy, unapologetic. Joined by metal chain, swinging softly.

Before we left parking lot I asked John to put nipple clamps on me. He pulled the strap of my halter top over my head, and down, let my breasts loose. I watched his hands working tiny screws on the clamps, adjusting their tightness. I gasped slightly and he knew he had reached the right level. Wave of erotic sensation goes through me and sets me in a state of light arousal. Not the arousal where you just have to get fuck and cum right now. No. This is arousal that can stay with you for hours, enjoyable, full of promise and potential. There is no rush to end it, you want to enjoy that state of your mind and your body as long as possible.

It is one am on Saturday night, traffic is getting lighter. The white lights from the lamp posts break the darkness in the car, and I see John’s profile as he focuses his attention on the road ahead. It is almost like any other night when we leave club and head home, tired but fulfilled. Almost.

Today is the first time ever when I have actually enjoyed nipple clamps. In the past I used to consider them way too painful for me. I guess nobody adjusted them the right way for me before. Now, the sensation on my nipples, seems to connect directly to my pussy, keeping it moist and ready.

It is quiet in the car. We do not talk but the air feels erotic, while also comfortable. We both understand that we are moving our D/s relationship to higher level. Deeper submission. Firmer Dominance. At my impatient request. We are uncovering layer after layer of my deeply hidden secrets, and this is extremely exciting.

I feel at peace, staring into darkness outside the car. My hand is touching lightly John’s leg, just to keep the connection. He puts his hand on mine and we ride like that for a while. At one point he shifts in his seat, takes my hand and guides it into his pants. I feel his warm and semi hard penis in my hand. I cup it gently but firmly, and hold it for the rest of the drive. I don’t fool with it too much, we are after all on interstate driving at high speed.

We do not need to talk. We had great flogging session in the club, followed by incredible fucking out in the open, that put me in a special zone. By now we know that on a bad night our sex is 9.5 out of 10.

That night, that drive brought this sense of calm on me. Calm that we feel when we are in the right place, on the right path. I am truly, deeply enjoying being half naked in the car, with clamps keeping me aroused and submissive, with my hand between John’s thighs. I feel free, finally allowed to act the way I really desire, without a shame, accepting fully my sexuality.

Nighttime monsters

And just like that, bedtime wakes up the monsters that have been sleeping during the day.

Monster one: chromogranin A. Monster two: gastrin.

Cancer markers. Both around three times the normal range. Doctor’s office called on Friday, they want to do CT scan of the whole abdomen and chest this week.

I keep reading and re-reading everything I can find about them. all the articles start with cancer, adding that there could also be other reasons. Of course, imagination is trying to imagine unimaginable, and that’s when monsters wake up. Stomach tight like fist.

And still, the biggest worry is my girls. If something happens to me they screwed. Mentally. Their father will take care of them in terms of providing but he has lost emotional connection he used to have with them long time ago. Girls would be all alone. Older one would probably move out and keep contact with her father to the minimum. She would float through life, all alone. The younger one, fifteen, would still be stuck with him. Without mother. With older sister who left her behind . They hate going to his house for a weekend. Imagine living there.

I am not the one glorifying parenthood. It can be stressful and messy being parent. But at this moment, facing scary and unknown about my own life, what I am experiencing most is that enormous pain for the loss my kids would face .

I know that even if it is cancer it’s not death sentence as it used to be. I know so many people who survived and are in remission, some from stage four. But the fear and pain are there. They disappear during the day, but at night the monsters come out with full force.

Update 5/12/23- monsters are gone for now. CT scan came back negative for any tumors.

Jake Wesley Rogers

27 years old guy, very flamboyant, outspokenly gay, with amazing voice. I genuinely hope he will make it big. There is something soothing about his voice and his music for me. Love, solitude, being different and excluded, hunger for life.

The only reason I had learnt about him is because I chaperoned my teenage daughter and her friend to Panic at the Disco concert. Jake was opening. First he talked, introduced himself, and then he started first song…… My girls and I had just looked at each other with big eyes, “wow”… That voice! That was love from the first sight. Our favorites are Pluto and Lavender Forever, as you can tell.

Few months later Jake started his tour, and the very first concert was in Tampa, in small music bar Crowbar. My daughter got us tickets months in advance. On the big day I drove three fifteen year old girls to Tampa and I was as excited as they were. But they spend hours standing in front of the stage during concert, while I grabbed one of just few available bar stools. No way I would stand that long, lol. It couldn’t be more than hundred people in there. This must have been a choice for the first night of his tour, as the following concerts were in larger venues.

Jake sings mostly about love. And doesn’t hide that this is gay love. Which is the same as good, old hetero love, but had to hide more. He is as flamboyant as Elton John with his clothes choices. Enjoys heels, colors, dresses, oversized glasses. He writes his own music and lyrics, often very poetic. Erotic.

My daughter and I had been to several shows this last year: Taylor Swift, Hamilton, Wicked, Panic at the Disco, and few more. And the one concert we would like to go again? Jake, of course. It is the most personal, touching you on many different levels. And I wouldn’t know about him if I did not have a teenager at home 🙂

Saturday Night Musings about friends, old and new

Home alone. Kids at dad’s or at sleepover. Just me and our five pets. Chilling. Reading. Binging on re-watching Grey’s Anatomy. Pondering a lot of things.

I am enjoying that evening alone. But there is voice in my head saying that I should be out. I am sure I could have if I put an effort to it. Not talking about dating, I deleted all the apps. Big break from it after latest dating drama. I am talking about friends, female friends. Through my whole life I always had a few close friends, that I could depend on, and have fun with. It was never a problem. But it turns out it is a little harder to make new friends when you older. And keep moving.

It is not that I do not have friends. I do. They all great and fun ladies. But the connection is not as deep as it is with my old high school and college friends. We really really understand each other on that deeper level. When something is happening in my life, when there is trouble and I need support, I call them, these girls from the past. I know I can be myself, because they really do get me.

We can talk about us, about books, politics, all kinds of interesting things. And that’s what is missing for me with my current friends. That intellectual connection.

Current day friends, those that are here. Fun, real fun. Energetic, full of energy, friendly, intelligent. The problem is they are too high energy for me. When I think about going out now, it takes more mental energy out of me. I am happy, I am enjoying it while I am doing it, but I need a break after few hours. Few years ago we drove, as a group, to Miami for a ladies only weekend. It was great fun, and relax. On Friday night dancing somewhere in the club, really enjoying it. But on Saturday night I was already done with the bar scene, completely not interested. We went out again, this time to the outdoor place with dancing somewhere around Ocean Drive, but I need it time out. while they were having fun dancing, I was in charge of all our belongings and reading book on my phone:) They actually found it amusing, and part of my persona :).

So, that’s why I am home, not out. Still recovering from surgery, this is easier. But I wish I had never made that first big move, twenty seven years ago, when I left them behind. At that time friends were coming easily, at least that’s how it seemed. but nobody matched these. There was never enough time to invest into those new friends, busy with work, then work and kids.

I need to find couple local ladies who are more like me: low key, low drama. Like those girls from my past, but who would be here physically. Because that part I miss. Someone with whom spending time together comes easily, it’s effortless.

So…. I went to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour concert…

I am not a Swifty, but my daughters are, so yesterday I joined another 70,000 people at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. Three nights in a row sold out, all hotels within an hour sold out, busy bars and restaurant. It definitely brought a lot of money for Tampa. Plus 125,000 meals Taylor Swift donated to local food bank.

Although I would not go to see it if it wasn’t to chaperone my daughter and her friend, I was excited. I have never attended a concert this size snd I have expected that show would be spectacular. And it was. It is fascinating to watch the level of enthusiasm and engagement among her fans, unprecedented with other pop stars. Taylor is famous for communicating with her fans by dropping all kinds of clues. Her every word, choice of wardrobe, smile is being analyzed, discussed, argued about by millions of her fans. I’ve read somewhere that so far, Taylor Swift and Swifties community is the closest thing to metaverse so far created in the world.

The show of fashion was incredible and fun to look at. Almost everybody was dressed up in either something that Taylor wore in the past or something symbolizing one of her songs or albums. Majority of the crowd young women and girls, but there was plenty of men or people of more than middle age. One guy had a t-shirt saying “Swifty by marriage”. My favorite were two guys, around my age, wearing matching t-shirts saying (can not remember exact wording) “Men in fifties Swifties” (the design was focused on words fifties and swifties, so it made more sense on there).

And bracelets, you can not forget the DIY bracelets thing at Eras Tour….,. People make them at home with letters spelling titles of songs, or they acronyms. Different colors have their meaning too, apparently symbolizing different albums.

At the concert you are supposed to exchange the bracelets with other fans. It was a big thing there. My girls had probably fifteen bracelets each when they left home, and came back with fifteen just different ones. Pretty cool idea if you ask me.

If you came (like me) to concert expecting sitting on your ass and listen to Taylor Swift sing, you may get disappointed 😄 . Everyone was standing, dancing and singing /screaming. Like her or not, she knows how to energize her crowd.

The list of songs is not a secret, but every concert gets two secret, unexpected songs. Of course, that creates a lot of real time and on-line chatter of people guessing which songs their concert will get.

Like her or not, she is genius in keeping her fans engaged like that.

It was certainly very fun evening. Taylor was performing for 3.5 hours without breaks. Takes a lot of stamina and athletic skills to be able to do it. Her hair, all nice and shinny at the beginning, turns into sweaty crown later, and she still looks great.

Then the “fun” part starts – trying to leave parking lot with everyone else at the same time. Basically standstill for an hour. Some people, I guess more experienced with this size events, had beach chairs, and snacks and were calmly picnicking instead of sitting in the car that wasn’t moving anyway.

I survived. Taking it easy today. Daughter slept through most of the day, her voice hoarse from all the singing on top of her lungs. This is historical event, and I am glad I’ve got to see it.

Unexpected brain boost right after surgery

So, I have noticed that my mind works better since the surgery. I’ve been in pain (now mostly gone), but fatigue is still here and will be for next few weeks. It has been only under three weeks since my hysterectomy.

I took only week off and had to go to the office week later. Normally I can work from home but as it happened I had clients set for every day treatment for weeks.

Driving a car the second and third week after surgery was a nightmare. After arriving I had to lie down for haft an hour to recover. Then sitting at the desk , straight up was tough.

And despite all of that, I was working way more efficiently than for months before. I got things done that’s been just sitting there for a long time.

I returned to reading books (finally got special glasses, lol). I listen to the news on the radio even when the news is outrageous. Before I would switch to the music.

My food cravings diminished – and they were really bad recently. Even more stressful things don’t put me in a black hole.

All that despite still recovering from surgery. So what gives? I feel a little bit how I used to years ago, before Hashimoto. almost myself.

There are three things that come to my mind, that might be responsible for that brain awaking:

1. Surgery removed several things that should not be there at all. Big fibroid and bleeding main reason for the surgery. It turned out there was more than that hiding in there and the surgeon and her fancy robot removed everything that should not be there. Were all these growings the reason behind my lack of energy and brain fog?the good news is they kept both ovaries, where all the fun starts 😉

2. Significant protein increase in my diet. By hospital recommendation, you need a lot of protein before and after surgery as it helps with healing the tissue. I’ve been eating a lot of eggs, avocados, fish, yogurt, daily protein shakes. More veggies and fruit too. I need to stick to that diet.

I am realizing now that I probably wasn’t eating enough protein on general. Maybe all that fat coming from protein keeps now my cravings away?

One problem with protein is that is comes with many calories so portion control would be next to figure out.

3. Probably least likely – I am still taking daily anti-inflammatory meds surgeon gave me. Maybe they keep my Hashimoto inflammation down too?

One more possibility: I went through couple of months of Vit B 12 shots done weekly. Maybe getting its level up to normal helped too?

Whatever i’s behind my brain stepping up from all that fog, I want to keep it. My mood is better, anxiety too. Even though I am facing a lot of challenges ahead of me. Many changes coming. And still dealing with other health issues.

And tonight is the night to survive! 😃 only 19 days since surgery and I am going to Taylor Swift concert with my daughter and her friend. And around seventy thousand people. Imagine driving, parking, walking – all with those thousand of fellow Swifties. I usually don’t mind walking, but I am still in recovery, and 15 minutes slow walk is what I do. Just thinking about the distances at the stadium. I will have to take many breaks before I find my seat. And then every trip to bathroom will be challenge too.

So, I came up with my post-surgery Taylor Swift concert survival kit:

Coffee with MCT oil

Protein shake

Liquid IV (that thing can give you boost of energy!)

Shot of Vit B12 – self-administered, brrr

Booster dose of thyroid medication

And take with me liquid IV packet to use it during concert if needed

What kind of relationship I really want?

Things have changed in my dating scene. I have deleted all the dating sites. After latest drama that had developed with John, and a new guy, let’s call him George, I put dating on hold. First, I need to recover from all that, and second, I need to figure out what kind of relationship I really want.

John, my ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamous ) partner who is married. Sex is really great, and really non-vanilla. We go to swing clubs and BDSM clubs together. It is great, but not entirely enough – at the end of the day, he belongs to his wife. And that’s ok, that’s was the rule from the beginning.

But understanding that he is not fully mine, I kept dating. He knew about it. Most dates did not have a second date, just not feeling it. On occassion there was a repeat date. Very rarely third or more. Having John kept me from settling or falling for just anyone.

And then I’ve met George, when I was about to suspend my account. The connection was great. After third date things just snowballed. For those few weeks it felt like finding Home. For both of us. Cooking together felt amazing. He could caress my body for hours – literally. Which felt great. But eventually I had to admit to myself that sex itself was not very satisfying. I like massage, and caressing, of course, but between those I need a good, strong fuck. The type I am getting from John. And that was not happening.

I would have tried to work with that, if the rest of our relationship was satisfying. But things became too overwhelming, too much pressure. He needed way more out of it than me. I am fine with meeting 2-3 times a week. Verbally he agreed with me, but I could tell he was disappointed that I don’t want to spend all my free time together. I started feeling guilty just going for my evening walk by myself.

We spent hours discussing our feelings, and needs and wants, sitting and embracing each other. Those talks gave us high. Those discussions felt amazing and it seemed we always found a way forward. Seemed we have figured out perfect communication style. Seemed this was it, for life.

But slowly (or not so slowly) the cracks started to show. these talks have become daily occurrence, meaning there were issues every day that bothered each of us and had to be discussed. With time it felt like a drag not bonding experience anymore.

Despite both of us trying, our differences were just too great. I needed more space, he didn’t need any. When we were doing things the way that worked for me, he felt neutered. When we were doing things his way, I felt like I was in cage, I wasn’t free anymore.

Interestingly, my blood pressure went up to the roof in last weeks of it. I was trying to make it work, I was trying not to hurt him, but my body was paying for it. There were days my head was exploding, despite of me taking everything I have for my BP. and usually I don’t need most of those meds, they are back up for emergencies. Interesting, how our mind, heart and body are connected together.

The day we ended it, I was walking back home smiling. My BP went down right away. I felt myself again. I guess this was not meant to be.

Now, I really don’t feel like dating. Looking at this fatalistically, that there always be something that does not work for me, and that kind of kills the enthusiasm, and hope. and really, the quality of tge dating pool sucks. You need to kiss hundreds of frogs before you find your semi-prince.

Maybe it’s my issue. I like autonomy, I don’t need someone around here 24/7. Is that wrong? I think that’s why my relationship with John worked so well – we have good time together, followed by great sex, and after that he goes home. I wake up in the morning, and do whatever I want -usually sip my coffee and stay in pajamas throughout my weekend morning, enjoying house to myself when kids are at their dad. It is relaxing, and calming.

Now, how to find another John, but without wife? 🤷🏻‍♀️

No title post… wow, last post was on new Year’s Day. That usually means things are not going the way they should and I do not feel like dealing with them. Which seems to be a pattern recently. I am making myself to write right now instead of staring mindlessly in TV.

There is a lot happening. In all areas. Problems at work which complicate divorce. Bunch of health problems resulting in more referrals and testing. Bunch of drama in dating area. At least no problems with kids. Older one has just turned 18. An adult. At least legally.

Three days ago I finally had hysterectomy done. robotic. It went as well as it could. Got to keep both ovaries, got rid of freaking fibroid that caused me anemia. Now I am chilling around the house, watching tv, taking short walks around the house and the block. Modern medicine is amazing. With just three tiny dots on my stomach it is easy to forget that this us pretty serious surgery. I was able to get up and take short walks just few hours surgery. They want me to walk and move around.

It is kind of pathetic that I was looking forward to it as it was vacation. It’s been a while since I could not work. Very much needed mental break.

Dating life. Couple months ago I’ve met someone, where it seemed there was potential for longer relationship. We both fell into it head first. At first he said he is ok with John in my life and my lifestyle. It wasn’t that easy. I broke up with John to give the new relationship chance. Things got dramatic with John who started year and half ago as FWB. It turned out we are way more now than that. The L word was mentioned. Both men were pulling me into their own direction and trying to dictate how to engage the other one. It had became stressful and just proved that I am not entirely cut for polyamory. It was one thing to have non-commital sex, different to be involved in two relationships and switched between them almost on daily basis.

Things are over with the new guy. Things were amazing when we were together, we could talked any issues over. But our differences were too big. I need my space, I don’t have a need to live with someone, plan future. I am busy with kids, work, friends, and I also need my alone time. It was opposite for him. It was getting too much, too fast, I started feeling cornered and not free anymore. He is extremely intelligent man, member of Mensa, dot com start up guy. He is go getter, man who has a vision and can make this vision materialize and bring him millions of dollars. Not afraid to take a high risk in exchange for high reward. And that’s how he went into our relationship, jumped in. He lived over an hour away so he moved closer to “give us better chance”. With time that felt like pressure to be there daily. Huge flower bouquets. Flamboyant gestures. I am bunch of daisies or tulips kind of a gal.

It felt great at the beginning but with time it was becoming too much. Classic love bombing.The lightness of simply dating and having fun was gone. Everything became about us and our future. Way too much pressure.

I did hurt John pretty deeply. And I hurt me too in that process. He did mean more that a fuck. We talked a lot. We cried. Then we said hurtful things too. I was sure there was no coming back for us.

But we did. Sex has always been great. „On a bad day it is 9.5 stars for us” . This is the best sex of my life. It was great sex for both of us but I had no idea how that compared to John’s dozens (more?) relationships and hundreds of casual sex partners he had in his poly life. Not until the new guy came into picture, that John verbalized how much I meant to him, not just for sex. And how amazing that sex was to him.

So we are licking our wounds now and taking things one date at the time. I am trying to be clear and vocal about what I can and what I can not promise for the future. I do not want to hurt him like that again.

For now he came with flowers after my surgery. Cooked my healthy breakfast. Took me to the doctor’s appointment. Then he goes back home to his wife and now I know that I don’t need much more. Once in a while maybe but on regular basis that level of engagement works for me. Maybe I’ll need more once I am empty nesters, who knows?

For now I need break from dating other guys anyway. That short fling was very intense and I need to recover. And with that surgery I can not have sex anyway so it is goid timing.

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It’s official, I pigged out today on whatever comfort or junk food I could find at home.

There is a lot of things waiting to be done at work, st home. Long, long, stressful list. Anxiety starts paralyzing me. All I want to do is curl up in bed and hide and dream things just get done.

By not finalizing the divorce when we split, I am getting pulled down financially by my ex. He was dating in fancy restaurants and hotels, overspent as usual, and I wasn’t cutting all ties, worrying if he figured out finally how to pay his bills (seriously, he never had to do that). I continued to be enabler of his behavior. Not only I saw my share of profits from the sale of our house shrinking, but he filled up credit card. And was mad I stopped paying it at one point, saving whatever money was left and taking half of it, although I should have taken all if it. I’ve been trying to be smart with my expenses while he was partying.

Now I am paying for my own stupidity with, worrying how we both can get out from the mess he created.Again. Snd worrying about our business while hating it. I can not wait to get rid of it, and stop worrying about it.

And the list of worries is still long, panicky long. Add to it a little bit of health issues and just getting too much.

Breath. I will have to figure out the way out of all this mess. It will get done eventually. Hopefully, before I grow myself some ulcers …. Definitely, not where I expected to be at my age.

Starting another new year

That picture above I took this morning during the walk on the beach. Thank you to whoever made that beautiful, shell filled sign in the sand.

Although I haven’t been feeling to great recently, I welcomed New Year in pretty good spirits. I was on parental duty on New Year’s Eve, so nothing spectacular was happening but I went for drinks with few friends to local Irish Pub. I have to say that place serves killer chocolate martinis. They are pretty strong, but not oversweet, more like cacao than chocolate in it.

Then I had to pick up my daughter and her friends from iceskating place to bring them to our house for NYE sleepover. How I enjoyed my ride in the car to get them (no, I wasn’t drunk, had only one drink). I put my playlist on and sung out of top of my lungs.

Do you remember that very sad song “All by myself”? So, Panic! at the Disco has turned this sing into something positive and empowering. I was at their concert few months ago, chaperoning my daughter and her friend. I knew some of their songs but not this one. I loved that message:

“All by yourself you can change everything”

“All by yourself you are the Queen, you are the King”

“You are tough, you’re beautiful”

I played this song several times, and sang happily along. Very happy there are no witnesses to tell the tale 😁

And although the song is geared towards high schoolers, to help those that ate miserable and lonely, it can still appeal to anyone struggling out there. Definitely works for this pre-menopausal, divorced (well, not fully yet) woman. After all, aren’t we all high schoolers at heart, with just a little more experience?

That was last year, I mean yesterday. This morning I met one of my friends on the beach, and we went for two hours walk on the beach. Day started very foggy and a little chilli, but still charming. Then slowly the sun started coming out from behind clouds and fog, creating amazing play of hues on the water and in the air.

It was a great start to the new year. Beach therapy. Friend therapy. We walked, we talked, we rested in the sun at the end.

She is one of my new friends, people I’ve met in my post-marital life. We share a lot: the same first name, married to bullying men. Our exes are in similar professional field, and each of us was managing the business with them, and taking care of everything: business, house, kids. We are also very different: she is an extrovert, tall, beautiful woman who will stick out in the crowd, and enjoy that attention. I am an introvert, short, average looking and I hate to be in the center of attention.

I think the timing was right for us. We’ve met each other when each of us was on similar crossroads, dealing with divorce, kids, similar work, and now dating life. Twenty years ago we probably wouldn’t even notice each other. Wether we’ll last for years, or we are here just to support each other in that transition time, we share the path right now

Let’s hope thus will be better year for all of us, without deadly viruses, deadly wars, and other disasters. Is it even possible anymore?