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It’s official, I pigged out today on whatever comfort or junk food I could find at home.

There is a lot of things waiting to be done at work, st home. Long, long, stressful list. Anxiety starts paralyzing me. All I want to do is curl up in bed and hide and dream things just get done.

By not finalizing the divorce when we split, I am getting pulled down financially by my ex. He was dating in fancy restaurants and hotels, overspent as usual, and I wasn’t cutting all ties, worrying if he figured out finally how to pay his bills (seriously, he never had to do that). I continued to be enabler of his behavior. Not only I saw my share of profits from the sale of our house shrinking, but he filled up credit card. And was mad I stopped paying it at one point, saving whatever money was left and taking half of it, although I should have taken all if it. I’ve been trying to be smart with my expenses while he was partying.

Now I am paying for my own stupidity with, worrying how we both can get out from the mess he created.Again. Snd worrying about our business while hating it. I can not wait to get rid of it, and stop worrying about it.

And the list of worries is still long, panicky long. Add to it a little bit of health issues and just getting too much.

Breath. I will have to figure out the way out of all this mess. It will get done eventually. Hopefully, before I grow myself some ulcers …. Definitely, not where I expected to be at my age.

Starting another new year

That picture above I took this morning during the walk on the beach. Thank you to whoever made that beautiful, shell filled sign in the sand.

Although I haven’t been feeling to great recently, I welcomed New Year in pretty good spirits. I was on parental duty on New Year’s Eve, so nothing spectacular was happening but I went for drinks with few friends to local Irish Pub. I have to say that place serves killer chocolate martinis. They are pretty strong, but not oversweet, more like cacao than chocolate in it.

Then I had to pick up my daughter and her friends from iceskating place to bring them to our house for NYE sleepover. How I enjoyed my ride in the car to get them (no, I wasn’t drunk, had only one drink). I put my playlist on and sung out of top of my lungs.

Do you remember that very sad song “All by myself”? So, Panic! at the Disco has turned this sing into something positive and empowering. I was at their concert few months ago, chaperoning my daughter and her friend. I knew some of their songs but not this one. I loved that message:

“All by yourself you can change everything”

“All by yourself you are the Queen, you are the King”

“You are tough, you’re beautiful”

I played this song several times, and sang happily along. Very happy there are no witnesses to tell the tale 😁

And although the song is geared towards high schoolers, to help those that ate miserable and lonely, it can still appeal to anyone struggling out there. Definitely works for this pre-menopausal, divorced (well, not fully yet) woman. After all, aren’t we all high schoolers at heart, with just a little more experience?

That was last year, I mean yesterday. This morning I met one of my friends on the beach, and we went for two hours walk on the beach. Day started very foggy and a little chilli, but still charming. Then slowly the sun started coming out from behind clouds and fog, creating amazing play of hues on the water and in the air.

It was a great start to the new year. Beach therapy. Friend therapy. We walked, we talked, we rested in the sun at the end.

She is one of my new friends, people I’ve met in my post-marital life. We share a lot: the same first name, married to bullying men. Our exes are in similar professional field, and each of us was managing the business with them, and taking care of everything: business, house, kids. We are also very different: she is an extrovert, tall, beautiful woman who will stick out in the crowd, and enjoy that attention. I am an introvert, short, average looking and I hate to be in the center of attention.

I think the timing was right for us. We’ve met each other when each of us was on similar crossroads, dealing with divorce, kids, similar work, and now dating life. Twenty years ago we probably wouldn’t even notice each other. Wether we’ll last for years, or we are here just to support each other in that transition time, we share the path right now

Let’s hope thus will be better year for all of us, without deadly viruses, deadly wars, and other disasters. Is it even possible anymore?

I’ve been so tired recently. Physically tired. It seems like my whole body is going through one big inflammation. My muscles hurt. My brain is foggy. Thinking about all the things I need to do at work makes me anxious almost to the point of paralysis.

I will seriously need to get back on the clear diet, cut gluten and dairy and sugar. I haven’t been that bad with gluten or dairy but sweets are my vice. Pointless to try to do it now, with Christmas coming, but soon after.

I feel the way I was feeling when diagnosed first with Hashimoto, six years ago. Like old lady whose life is over, tired and in pain. Eventually I gave in and quit gluten, I was so desperate. Five days later I was a different person.

Hopefully it will work this time too.

In desperation, looking for energy, I have started BHRT, Biodentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Too soon to feel results. They inserted pellet full of testosterone in my ass just last Monday….

Everybody swears by it, that they feel like teenagers. We’ll see. My worry is that my freaking dysfunctional immune system may treat that pellet as enemy, and inflame me even more…. We’ll see. They said week or two.

I need to go back to writing…

It’s been a busy time and a lot of things happening. Stress at work. Some medical issues and trying to decide on course of action. First time ever major argument with my younger daughter. Worrying about older one, who seems much checked out recently, and actually asked about increase of her anxiety/depression meds, but doesn’t want to talk about it. Then dating life.

Each of these could be a subject of separate post. And I’ve been tempted to write them, but at the end it was just overwhelming dealing with those issues. Still is.

I feel like I should write about all those issues. That usually helps me to clear out things in my head, and see things more clearly, and make better choices. Some of those things really are weighing me down, and even now, writing about possibility of writing about them, I feel stressed and overwhelmed and want to run away. Which means that I’d rather avoid thinking about it, than face it.

Which brings me to the conclusion that I should definitely try to put all these stresses and fears into words. Understand them better, face where I went wrong and figure out how to improve it.

Looks like just writing this post made me figure out that I need to write all the others. Magic of writing working already 🙃

Second date anxiety – update…

Well, tomorrow I have a second date set up with that cute younger guy. Second date is a rarity and now I am getting nervous. Probably because this is first time, when I am really excited about second date. In the past it was more like “let’s give it a chance”. Somehow I don’t believe that date will happen, expecting him to cancel in the morning, for whatever reason.

At the same time I feel myself building up fences. You getting so used to nothing coming out from those dates, that you do not expect anything more. Ironically, when you start hoping, even just a little, that this one is different, you also prepare for another disappointment.

I know it sounds like overthinking it with just one date behind. What can I do, it almost feels like marriage, lol. Second date, come on! lol

It is even way too soon to wonder, what would it mean for all my explorations if this thing clicked. way too soon.

Update after the second date: it went good, but it took the edge off for me.

Because now I am back in my comfort zone – not worrying anymore about the third date and where is it going. Whatever happens, happens. I have to say that’s way better place to be…

Adventures in the world of online dating…

If you have ever tried online dating, you’ll know what I mean. So many people, even so many matches, and likes, and still nothing real happens. People ghost, don’t answer, disappear after seemingly nice chat, etc. In those almost two years, there was really a handful of guys who made it to the second date…

You could really write stories about those dates. What’s interesting, women and men are equally frustrated with it. It is not as easy to find something interesting. Hell, it is not even that easy to find someone for consistent sex.

I usually offer to split the check, specially if I know I don’t want second date. or at least pay the tip. Probably ninety percent of guys don’t take me on that offer. But there was this one guy, who thought for a second, got closer to me and said “well, that depends…. if all I get on the parking lost is a kiss, than let’s split it. If I get a hand job or blow job, I can pay”…. Made me laugh, and put $20 on the table. To his defense, he hadn’t had sex in three years…….

When you are on those dating apps, you become addicted to them, whether you like to admit it or not. Checking for new matches, or messages all the time. So couple weeks ago I decided to take a break, and deleted my accounts on Tinder and Bumble. That really decreased level of anxiety in my life.

However, just out of boredom and curiosity I opened account on AdultFriendFinder. Damn, this place is full of pictures of men’s dicks. Luckily, there is option to set your account, that nudity is blurred. I am becoming convinced that majority of men are exhibitionists, there is no other explanations….

AFF has more nudity that the socially accepted apps, but the selection of people and what are they looking for is not that much different than Tinder or Bumble. some are looking for ONS, many are looking for consistent sex, or relationship. They are admitting openly that sex is important to them. Because most people are there with plan to meet in person, there is less problem with scammers.

I had so far had three dates from there. One was a married guy whose wife is openly done wiht sex. That wasn’t a good match for me, of course.

Second was a guy who loves providing sensual massages ….. every woman’s dream come through… it turned out he is also on fetlife, well known in local kink community, and we have several mutual friends. He is also a certified professional masseur. Few days ago he came to my house wiht his massage table and other things, and for almost three hours I was in heaven. If heaven had happy endings….. Every inch of my body from toes to head got a lot of attention. My mind and my body were very relaxed for the next couple days, and I still feel that lightness coming from being fully satisfied. It is hard to believe that there are men, who love doing it, just caressing women’s body for hours, without rush. We were joking he should have classes for husbands…. Of course, this was first, but not last date.

Now, the last but not least. I had really fun date with the third guy. and tomorrow we are having second date. He is a good looking guy, with successful business, eight years younger than me. We had good conversation, and great kiss. Texting comes easy with him. At this point I have no idea where this will go, but I am taking one date at the time. I am really looking forward to this date. It has been a while since being on a second date.

There were other interesting exchanges on AFF: couples reaching to me, looking for their unicorn. Older gentleman offering sugar baby arrangement. bunch of twenty years old trying to score. Oh, there is even guy who was my first post-divorce sex two years ago. Small world.

That’s it for now from the adventerous world of online dating..

Auto-Immune Fix, things go haywire….

Maybe three weeks in the no gluten, no dairy, no sugar I get sick. Food poisoning or stomach flu, or something like that, going for two weeks. Very painful and distressing, I even went to urgent care.

During those two weeks I hardly ate, and lost more weight. That’s a silver lining, that I am now trying not to waste. However, being heavily dehydrated, i had to reach for those electrolyte drinks, which are usually full of sugar. So that got me off a little bit of my diet. Then Halloween night I got few candies (nothing comparing what I would eat before). I also discovered Liquid IV, it gives me nice energy boost.

So last few days I allowed myself some sweets, but will have to start every thing again. That’s fine. Even if the streak has been broken, these were weeks of better choices, and that really matters.

Auto-Immune Fix, Day 12

Day twelve of no gluten, dairy and sugar. Right now I do not even have to fight any cravings involving these three. I still have craving for some snack, but manage to satisfy them with either fruit, or something else. I don’t feel much better though. It will probably take longer period of time before I can feel the difference. Hopefully it will come?

I had many ups and downs with my diet in my life. Every time when I was on the good streak of being active and eating better, I felt very enthusiastic about it. Being able to control my cravings, seeing the results in mirror, feeling better was making me very happy. And that was giving me extra motivation to work towards it even more.

Not now. I am very neutral about it. I don’t feel excited. I am doing it because I need to, because my body has a crazy, dysfunctional immune system, and I guess, I am going through the acceptance phase? I went through denial and anger, it took me years. Maybe this way, less emotional, more rational, will be more sustainable?

Since cutting these three demons out of my diet has finally happened, now I am considering maybe trying again AutoImmune Protocol for ninety days? cut even more goods out of diet, and later adding them one by one? something to ponder. …

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