Reflections after my first ever swingers’ party

I was a little nervous on the way there, but not much. After all John was there with me. Frankly, I have never felt so safe with any other guy, including my ex of twenty five years, as I feel now with my polyamorous BDSM partner. My ex is a high drama/high maintance guy, and I spend my life walking on eggshells. Not John. Always soft spoken, reliable, dependable, and very patient.

Place was packed. Women mostly in black lingerie, but not only. Since this was a Playboy theme party, many had bunny ears and tails. Some guys had red robes. Interestingly, most people were just chatting, playing billard, eating, not much action was happening in the bedrooms/play rooms. I had on black body suit, black high stockings and black choker, with satin red robe on top of it. I do not feel comfortable (yet?) walking around in just lingerie, that’s why the robe.

I have noticed long time ago that BDSM crowd is a little on heavy side. It was the same here, most people were overweight, some obese, but that did not stop them from dressing up in sexy, revealing outfits and having great time. Frankly, I am jealous, I wish I wasn’t so conscious of my body like that.

It turned out that I enjoyed that night. I did have sex there. I felt safe and comfortable, and was able to focus on the moment, because I knew John had my back. He was right there, making sure I am safe, and ok with whatever was happening.

No shame, no catholic guild. I felt so free and relaxed after that party. I am still relaxed today. I am more and more comfortable with my own sexuality, and accept that this is me, that I like it, that I am enjoying it. And there is really no reason not to pursue it. I spend most of my life not pursuing my fantasies, in conventional marriage, and imagination full of fantasies putting me to sleep every night. That did not work out that great for me. It wasn’t the worst marriage, but it wasn’t easy marriage.

Now I am free to explore. If not now, then when? in nursing home?

At the back of my head there is still that thought hiding, product of society norms and conditioning – that all that sex is just hedonism, looking to fill the void in my life, etc. And it can be, I agree. You may have sex for all the wrong reasons. But that’s not me. I do not think I ever felt so relaxed, so fulfiled, in my life. Breaking the taboos, following my desires are opening me up. I feel more secure, more assertive, more happy. And it is very noticeable to my friends and acquaintances, how much I have changed for better in the last year, or even less than a year.

I want to continue my erotic explorations. It works for me. I try not to think about thirty years wasted in marriage with difficult man, that was suffocating me. No point. I am not ready to give up John, my poly partner, not willing to give up BDSM or trying swinging again. I wish I had a partner who would share also vanilla time with me, but so far did not meet anyone even remotely interesting. That’s ok, I am not afraid of being on my own. Frankly, after such a long marriage I am enjoying my freedom, relaxing on the couch, or sipping coffee looking at the lake and reading. Going for bike ride and walks. Having fun with my teenagers. Going out with friends. Dates with John few times a month keep me satisfied enough not to go desperate for just any guy:)

So, for that reason I put all my dating apps on pause today. I am not ready for exclusive, committed relationship. I was planning meeting with one guy from Bumble, who expresses some kinky desires. I sent him text today saying exactly that. That I want to continue explorations, that I am not ready to give up my partner, that I want to do swinging once in a while. And if he wants to do it with me, than we can meet, but I understand if not. He did not respond, just unmatched me. It hurt a little, gave me a pang of regret, but this is a choice I have made. I know it is a right one at this moment. There is no going back to just “normal” sex and secret fantasies.

Hopefully, one day I will meet someone withing lifestyle. There are many couples around me, my age, and even older, who just met not so long ago and now explore together. Very happily. One day…