I simply do not know…

I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. It is quite possible that this night has broken us.

I keep explaining, and talking about how I felt, what was happening inside me that night. How I was drowning. How I was trying to get you to help me. To give me friendly smile, to lack eyes with me for few seconds, to play with me a little.

But all I was getting was cold shoulder. You did not want to be bothered. You finally got a piece of ass and nothing could keep you from her.

Rejection. Dismissal. Loneliness. Disappointment. Resentment.

You yelled at me that I need to learn to share. I am sharing already. I am sharing with your wife. I am sharing with woman from the couple you used to bull for, who lost her husband and now needs you, your support. But at one point there is not much left to share. And when you share with too many people, the foundations are not that strong. It is easy to rattle them.

You keep making me feel shitty about my need for re-assurances in swinging scene. I’ve been doing a lot of research, searching for help, for answers, and apparently what I am asking is not that unusual. Many couples play by these rules. The wellbeing of their partner is the most important thing for them even when they are fucking stranger.

And that hurts. It hurts admitting that you keep dismissing my feelings from that night.

I told you “I’m sorry I was not able to handle it”, more than once. I still keep feeling guilty about it. You haven’t said once “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. That wasn’t my intention”. You don’t think you did anything wrong. Theoretically, you did not. You just pushed past my boundary.

You are great in checking on me when we are doing BDSM scene- you keep asking me if I am ok. You respect my limits.

But when there is attractive woman that wants to play with you, all that is out of window. My Dom, my Daddy, who is supposed to take care of me, is gone. Gone busy fucking.

When there are other men playing with us, you are still my priority. You can take over anytime. No matter how many guys are there, you are always satisfied.

That did not happened that night. You did not let me join your play the way you are joining my play. That left me feeling powerless. Powerless. Rejected. Lonely.

You knew that this is not my environment. We have swung few times with other couples. I have enjoyed tremendously some of them. I felt connected to you, it brought us closer. Those times we were team. We weren’t team that night. We were two people fucking strangers next to each other .

My self-esteem got really kicked that night. What’s worse – for the first time ever in my life, I doubted my sexuality. One of few things in my life that I felt good about, one of few things I always knew I am good at. I am still recovering from it..

I don’t know how this drama will end. When there was issue with this other woman months ago – I told you we may not survive another night like that. I am hurting too much, and I start distancing myself, because that’s the only way to survive the rollercoaster of emotions.

I am forever thankful to you for giving me adventures of my life. I never thought that my fantasies will come to life , and you’ve made it happen. I really hope we won’t lose all that, we have had great time together these three years. And there are still so many things to discover and explore.

More of poly/swingers dilemma…

Trying to figure out again some of my poly/swinging issues, and I am coming to a little unsettling conclusion. I am more and more convinced that I am way more of hot wife than general swinger. Which is not exactly the road John and I were planning on.

When I started my BDSM and sexual explorations, things were exhilarating. The freedom, breaking down taboos, getting rid of feelings of shame, etc. I was jumping in every new experience head first and coming out stronger and happier. Impact play in public (club), sex in public, more and more intense BDSM scenes in private. First swinging night – with three men. Adult theater – with many more men. MFM threesomes. Occasional play in public with another couple.

Almost from the beginning of swinging it had become apparent, that I enjoy male only company much more than when another woman is also involved. I was even joking that I do not like competition:) With time I had learnt to enjoy occasional play with another couple in the club – we would say good bye afterwards and never see them again. That is fun and wrote about it here.

However, recently that sense of freedom and exhilaration has been replaced too often by frustration and anxiety. Some of you witnessed and helped big time with the meltdown I had over jealousy issue. I worked through that (and keep working), but that feeling of unease keeps coming back in certain situations.

I am trying to figure out why, and I think I am getting close. Women. I accept them and even enjoy (sometimes a lot) playing together with another couple, woman including, when it is anonymous. Strangers who shared fun with us for half an hour or an hour, and then disappeared from our live.

However, we’ve been looking for another couple for more consistent play on regular basis. We had drinks few days ago with one couple, and we all agreed to meet for a play in the club on Saturday night. I was really excited about it. They nice people, he very social, she more guarded but nice.

I was very excited about that night. We had good time together, I did not feel jealous at all, it was fun. Later we all sat by the fire (the same one that caused so much drama in the past, lol) , John cozy and happy with her, me cozy and happy with the other guy. Me and her sitting next to each other, joking, talking. Really enjoying each other’s company after good sex. But something was starting brewing inside me. And no, nobody crossed any borders, everything was as it was supposed to. There was no objective reason.

But there was subjective reason. Watching John having his arm around her, flirting happily was making me …. I don’t know what? not happy? Mind you – I was doing the same with her husband. I enjoyed talk with him, touching each other, talking about sex – all while I knew and understood, that this does not affect what John and I have at all. We are just being friendly after good sex, we had good connections, but this is it. Sex, chat, flirt – nothing more.

So, I understand the concept, I live it. But I do not seem to give the same right to John. And I have been trying, for long time. Still trying. But I am afraid that sooner or later I will have to accept the fact that this is not working for me. First time after three years of explorations, I am not happy as I should be. I am stressed, I am anxious. And I think I need to start listening to what my body tells me. I wasn’t listening to my gut in my marriage, and was doing things against myself. I can not repeat it again.

And my brain has engaged already self-defense mechanism – I feel distancing myself emotionally from John. Because that’s easier, less painful. And that stresses me even more, because I do not want that. I haven’t talked to John about it yet. I am myself just discovering what’s going on inside me. I am not sure how much of that to share, how much should I just keep inside and deal with it.

Deep down I know that the hot wife scenario is what works for me. But I also know that John needs women as much as I need men. He is more than happy to share me, while I seem not being able to fully reciprocate that attitude.

But I also wonder if things would be different for me, if after all that fun, we were going back home together, to life shared, to life grounded in everyday living together. Then few hours of fun may not feel as threatening. I will never know. He is married, and I have kids at home.

I don’t know yet what’s the solution. I will still give it time – maybe I will get over that hump. There were few things during those three years, that I evolved to enjoy. We plan to play with another couple again.

I think I am ready to start dating again. Solo, just me. I have stopped after that short lived affair from a year ago, and just focused on all good stuff I have with John. But I think it is time to start going out again. That maybe what’s needed in this situation – me getting out on my own, to boost my self esteem a bit, to have fun a bit. Also, to bring some balance to our relationship.

Although if I remember correctly, dating scene is brutal…