More of poly/swingers dilemma…

Trying to figure out again some of my poly/swinging issues, and I am coming to a little unsettling conclusion. I am more and more convinced that I am way more of hot wife than general swinger. Which is not exactly the road John and I were planning on.

When I started my BDSM and sexual explorations, things were exhilarating. The freedom, breaking down taboos, getting rid of feelings of shame, etc. I was jumping in every new experience head first and coming out stronger and happier. Impact play in public (club), sex in public, more and more intense BDSM scenes in private. First swinging night – with three men. Adult theater – with many more men. MFM threesomes. Occasional play in public with another couple.

Almost from the beginning of swinging it had become apparent, that I enjoy male only company much more than when another woman is also involved. I was even joking that I do not like competition:) With time I had learnt to enjoy occasional play with another couple in the club – we would say good bye afterwards and never see them again. That is fun and wrote about it here.

However, recently that sense of freedom and exhilaration has been replaced too often by frustration and anxiety. Some of you witnessed and helped big time with the meltdown I had over jealousy issue. I worked through that (and keep working), but that feeling of unease keeps coming back in certain situations.

I am trying to figure out why, and I think I am getting close. Women. I accept them and even enjoy (sometimes a lot) playing together with another couple, woman including, when it is anonymous. Strangers who shared fun with us for half an hour or an hour, and then disappeared from our live.

However, we’ve been looking for another couple for more consistent play on regular basis. We had drinks few days ago with one couple, and we all agreed to meet for a play in the club on Saturday night. I was really excited about it. They nice people, he very social, she more guarded but nice.

I was very excited about that night. We had good time together, I did not feel jealous at all, it was fun. Later we all sat by the fire (the same one that caused so much drama in the past, lol) , John cozy and happy with her, me cozy and happy with the other guy. Me and her sitting next to each other, joking, talking. Really enjoying each other’s company after good sex. But something was starting brewing inside me. And no, nobody crossed any borders, everything was as it was supposed to. There was no objective reason.

But there was subjective reason. Watching John having his arm around her, flirting happily was making me …. I don’t know what? not happy? Mind you – I was doing the same with her husband. I enjoyed talk with him, touching each other, talking about sex – all while I knew and understood, that this does not affect what John and I have at all. We are just being friendly after good sex, we had good connections, but this is it. Sex, chat, flirt – nothing more.

So, I understand the concept, I live it. But I do not seem to give the same right to John. And I have been trying, for long time. Still trying. But I am afraid that sooner or later I will have to accept the fact that this is not working for me. First time after three years of explorations, I am not happy as I should be. I am stressed, I am anxious. And I think I need to start listening to what my body tells me. I wasn’t listening to my gut in my marriage, and was doing things against myself. I can not repeat it again.

And my brain has engaged already self-defense mechanism – I feel distancing myself emotionally from John. Because that’s easier, less painful. And that stresses me even more, because I do not want that. I haven’t talked to John about it yet. I am myself just discovering what’s going on inside me. I am not sure how much of that to share, how much should I just keep inside and deal with it.

Deep down I know that the hot wife scenario is what works for me. But I also know that John needs women as much as I need men. He is more than happy to share me, while I seem not being able to fully reciprocate that attitude.

But I also wonder if things would be different for me, if after all that fun, we were going back home together, to life shared, to life grounded in everyday living together. Then few hours of fun may not feel as threatening. I will never know. He is married, and I have kids at home.

I don’t know yet what’s the solution. I will still give it time – maybe I will get over that hump. There were few things during those three years, that I evolved to enjoy. We plan to play with another couple again.

I think I am ready to start dating again. Solo, just me. I have stopped after that short lived affair from a year ago, and just focused on all good stuff I have with John. But I think it is time to start going out again. That maybe what’s needed in this situation – me getting out on my own, to boost my self esteem a bit, to have fun a bit. Also, to bring some balance to our relationship.

Although if I remember correctly, dating scene is brutal…

Author: Jo

Life starts after divorce … Past the fifty years mark woman, two teenagers, busy work. And a new life of sexual explorations and adventures: BDSM, kink, swinging and more. Staring my life from the beginning. Finally free...

23 thoughts on “More of poly/swingers dilemma…”

    1. Married (or attached) woman who is free to have sexual encounters outside her marriage while husband is not seeking sex outside. It is often Dominant husband who likes to share, but not only.

      This is not the same as cockold – where wife is also free to have sex, but the point is sexual
      humiliation of the husband

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  2. i read a blog from Little Quean Piggy, she explains some of the changes that she and her husband have made recently to their life to make his time with other women okay with her. It is a site that has been around for a while and much to be found there in if one wants to wander . she might be helpful to you. 🙂

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    1. Thank you, i will check it out. I think I’ve heard that name before.

      As it happens, I run into very insightful post on poly on fetlife. One of the best pieces I’ve read on the subject.

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      1. that’s great! i don’t do social media, not since the beginning 25 years ago! (i was on the ground floor of the internet becoming a thing) lol i’d love to hear any new ideas you may have?!

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  3. I feel like you have made an important breakthrough and you are not alone in how you feel. It is the minority of women who would be okay with sharing their man. Unfortunately, that minority is packed into your sexual circles so it seems like “everyone” is okay with sharing which makes you feel like the minority. Cuckolding is a popular kink so finding a match won’t be like finding a needle in haystack.

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    1. I think this is very much true. I am surrounded by swingers and people for whom everything goes, and it seems like a norm. Hell, even John’s wife shares him with me without problems, so therethically, I shouldn’t either.

      the cockolds type is not exactly my type, there are often submissive men. But hotwifing would be ideal for me – and frankly, that’s what we’be been doing for a long time, it was me getting all the fun, while John orchestrated and supervised (and participated of course)

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      1. Yeah, I have been waging a war in my essays around cuckolding and how male submission is actually a separate fantasy (Femdom) layered onto cuckolding. My position has alway been that if a man enjoys watching his lover with other men, he is a cuckold. It’s a losing battle though, porn’s portrayal of cuckolding and even the men who call themselves cucks (so many of them with sissy and submissive desires) have taken over the “cuckold” genre. I think hotwifing would be hot for you…and the man who finds pleasure in you being pleased by other men. 🔥

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  4. I find myself in a place where I may have to start dating again and knowing it’s brutal nature has not really helped me look forward to that.
    With your situation, perhaps seeing the other women with him, highlights that he is married and has another relationship, not just playing but something deeper and more meaningful. Maybe you want him all to yourself sometimes and seeing him with others reminds you that it’s not what you have. I don’t know, have never had that kind of ethical non-monogamy situation in my life.
    But while dating doesn’t sound fun, perhaps it’s a good idea, a reminder to you and him that you are your own person and that your desires are just as valid, even if they may differ. You want what you want, maybe you need to clarify it to yourself. Something else I’m working on at the moment. John helped you along this path, doesn’t mean his is the same path.

    Maybe what you’re after is a more Stag/Hotwife situation, have read stuff about that and have found it interesting. Still loving following your journey and hope that you come to some resolutions on this soon

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    2. First, I am sorry about your marriage situation. I did not see a sign of problems in your post, or maybe I missed it? Anyway, wishing you all the best in that journey.

      So, you are right on all the points. Our relationship is unbalanced, that’s one of the reasons for my anxieties. We have discussed it yesterday and agreed on me starting dating, if I want. He just asks for transparency. So, that’s basically hotwifing, and that’s what we’ve been doing for most of the time. We are trying to explore further.

      But another big issue is that I keep underappreciating John’s commitment to me, sex and outside sex, which he keeps proving over and over. We had discussed last night all these issues mentioned in that post. The first thing he said „the most important thing to me is that you feel
      Comfortable and are happy and we won’t do anything that causes you stress”
      That’s it. He said he will stop looking for more couples for us, we just meet two couples we have already set up (since I still want to try), and he’ll just look for a bull for me (single guy). We discussed few other changes that would make me more comfortable.

      Simple like that. I matter to him much more than fucking random people. He is planning nice vanilla date for us and we’ll plan weekend out of town sometime in the future.

      So, every time I am going through some internal drama, he steps up and we are coming stronger and closer out of it. And I am realizing that that makes me fall for him even more…

      And yes, it would be so much easier to remember that if we were together.

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      1. I haven’t really written anything about the separation, I haven’t know how to put it, since we still coparent, we are still friends, its a weird set up, so hard to describe .
        Am so glad you were able to talk with John over it all and that you feel closer to him. I miss that feeling. I also hope you enjoy the hotwifeing journey you have found yourself on. I have read a couple of blogs about that on here and it seems a fascinating thing

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      2. It is not that unusual set up. People do this for kids, stay together for kids, while drifting apart. Every day tiny piece of your soul shuts down. And ironically, kids will tell you later that they have been waiting and wishing for divorce their whole childhood….

        Communication with John still amazes me. I am still conditioned, after 25 of my marriage, to fight for what I need or give in snd build resentment. And there is zero of fighting here, just communicating, negotiating, adjusting so we both are satisfied. Deep down I am having big problem accepting that my feelings are valid too and that I matter to someone to respect that. I’ve been gaslighted for so many years that I started believing that what I feel is wrong.

        I already got myself date for swingers party in few weeks. That one is a big ego boost, because this guy has been trying to meet with me for couple months now.:)

        What’s the names of these hot wives blogs?

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