Long journey to accept “pervert” in me….

Now, divorcing I am finally free to act on what I have been fantasizing since my teenage years. I have noticed long long time ago, that sex and all kinds of sexual topics did not shock me as much as most of my friends. I would not say anything, but my mind would wonder to all kinds of things. things that now I know would be called kinky. But back then, teenage/early twenties, before the internet, I have no way to research that. I just assumed that there is this pervert in me, and I should just keep quiet about it. While fantasizing really weird things at night. Very confusing situation for a teenager.

Internet chats in late 90s turned out to be great help. So it wasn’t only me, there were more people who enjoy this. But still I did not feel I could be part of it. These people didn’t seem real. There was no way I could join them, this is not for “normal” people. Not for the nerdy girls, who sang in church quire in high school, went to college, etc. This was for those “other” people.

Back to the closet of my own mind. Trying to forget it all. But once in a while the image, the fantasy would pop up in my head, and after each time it felt a little more normal, more allowed. And eventually, you accept that this is what you are and stop feeling shame about it. After twenty something years…

Hinting about getting more adventurous in bedroom to the spouse results in being called “my little pervert” with amused smile. So you stop trying. But then the divorce finally is decided (not because of sex) and you are free to explore.

Fifty one and free to explore…. Now, how do you do that? ???

TBC