I am trying to find motivation. To get back on the right diet. To exercise more. To be more mindful and focused. To work on my fears on that deeper level.
To be less tired, and enjoy my life more. Stop wasting the time that still there for me. Because it is not bad life now, without my ex.
Bu I am having really hard time to do all that. Throughout my whole life my weight, mood, energy levels were up and down. I would be eating healthy, excercising, biking, etc, without really any effort. Enjoying it, feeling great, enjoying the responsiveness of my body and good fit of my clothes. It would go like that for three, four years. And then one day something clicks in my brain, and all that is gone. Cravings come back, sitting on the couch, tired, thinking only about food. Going for a walk is a real challenge. And then again, something clicks the other way, and overnight things change back. Sometimes triggered by something. Once it was book by Ophrah’s trainor, Bob Green. Another time movie “Eat, fast and live longer”. Four years after that movie were really best years, high energy, enjoying my life.
But it was always out of my control – something just clicked in the brain into one, or the other way. I did not work hard when I was slimmer – I was enjoying excercise, energy, lightness of the body not stuffed with whatever. I wasn’t torturing myself. I am jealous of people who can go through the whole life like that. They are lucky, that something in their brains is not clicking. They think they better, but that’s not exactly the truth.
And when I gain weight, and try to do something about it and still can not – thats where I really try to work hard, and it’s just not working.
Five years ago I was hit with diagnosis of Hashimoto, autoimmune disorder where my body attacks my own thyroid, hit. Things just went downhill from there. Your own body failing you. Flulike muscle pains, chronic, for months, without break. Until I quit gluten. Then real miracle – five days later I was a different woman, almost normal. Well, after two years without gluten, there was a party full of delicious glutenous cakes and that’s it. I am eating everything now, and feeling tired, and gaining weight again.
And this is where I can not motivate myself again. There is this voice in my head that says “What’s the point? You are not going to keep it for life, you will slip back into bac habits one day again, so why to try?” I am trying to kill that voice and can not. I am telling myself that this is like being alcoholic – you need to watch until the day you die. I guess I should be happy I am not alcoholic, because with that attitute I would be without liver by now.
For now, I have to watch my blood pressure, and at this age, it is not a joke. I just got divorced (well, not fully yet), I am on the full sexual exploration trip – you would think that should motivate me, right?
That’s body. I also run away from facing some of my other problems – and chances are, that’s what is keeping me from going back on the healther side. I keep running away from them, by killing my time with movies and shows. Always a bookworm, now I hardly open a book – with Hashimoto came that infamouse “brain fog” where thinking is just harder. I know what can help with it…. lifestyle changes.
Kids are at the ex’s tonight. I am sitting here, trying to motivate myself, surrounded by books that helped me in the past. Trying to get motivated again, to get serious. People do die at my age. and my stupid brain says “nah, that won’t happen to me”. sigh… for now I am feeling helpless in my quest for motivation to become better and healthier me.
“Tha autoimmune solution” Amy Myers, M.D.
“Hashimoto’s Protocol” – Izabella Wentz
“The fast diet” – Michael Mosley
“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy made simple” – Seth J. Gillihan, PhD
“Radical Compassion” – Tara Brach
All those smart books around me, and what’s really on my mind? is there anything else I could munch on…….
Damn it!
OverFiftyandFreeWomanBlog 