I did it… I finally overcame the jealousy

It took months of hard mental work. Reading, writing, talking, watching youtube videos/podcasts. Posting questions on Reddit’s swingers side, and analyzing the answers. Reading all Reddit’s posts on jealousy. Reading about compersion and loving the idea of it. Talking with John. Talking with friends. The book „Polyamory and jealousy” was a very helpful read.

This week it has finally happened. I went for a long walk full of thoughts and emotions, sat under the tree by the lake and all the pieces finally started falling into places.

I felt free, happy, liberated, empowered. And strong. Amazing feeling. When I got home I lighted few candles, put music on and danced happily around my living room… My whole body seemed light and happy.

Jealousy was hurting me from inside, made me feel weak and whiny. Not being able to get rid of jealousy made me feel defeated, like a victim, someone who can not stand strong by herself, on her own two legs.

I needed to do it for myself. I am a horny pervert and did not want to give it up, simple like that. I needed to do it for John- it was not fair to him that I’ve been getting probably 80% of the action. We’ve been me-centric so far.

I needed to do it for us. It slowly started creeping between the two of us. We both felt disappointed by hitting this limitation.We both enjoy clubs, and sex and all that fun and idea of limiting it just did not feel good.

I continued fighting my inner demons. Instead of pushing out of my mind the picture of John having such passionate play with someone else the other night because it was too painful – I decided to face it. To remember it, to visualize it, to normalize it. To de-sensitized myself. Instead of being whiny about it, I pulled away another layer of society imposed norms and accepted the fact that they had sexual chemistry and had really really hot sex. And that this is ok. And it finally stopped hurting thinking about it.

Reddit has actually being very helpful in this process. I created few posts about jealousy and learned a lot from the responses. Reading swingers’ point of view was eye opening to me. They basically unanimously said that they are very happy for their partners when they have a hot sexual play. I remember a guy saying he knows very well when his wife had the best orgasm of her life and it was not with him. And his best bj was not from her, but she was present, and they both tried to learn from those experiences.

Last week one of the responses really hit it home for me. This man said that his wife will have best experience if the other guy gives her full attention. If he needs to keep checking on his wife the play won’t be as hot. That got my attention. When I play I do want the other guy give me his full attention. And I should give him my full attention instead checking what John is doing. John’s play partner should have John’s full attention as well, and he hers. That was eye opening – you are supposed to be in the moment, enjoy it, enjoy differences, and then go back to each other fulfilled and happy.

I have also been reading about compersion. I bought „Jealousy in polymory” -small book but very helpful. I kept reading and re-reading over the months , taking breaks from it, then going back to it. I was worried that I would never get over it.

Until just recently. Something has finally changed, I felt I was going through a break through.

I have reached out to the couple that had caused my meltdown few months ago. I am no longer afraid of another encounter. I genuinely like them and there was a positive vibe between all four of us and that does not happen that often. We had a pact with John that he will be reaching out to me during play now and then, and on my side I guaranteed him not to flip out this time – this is the part I can control. We may meet them again sometimes in the near future.

Last Saturday we went to the club for swingers’ night. I went relaxed, and happy, feeling free. My secret goal (that I did not share with John) was for John to have a great and sexy night, and I would enjoy whatever comes my way.

Oh, the night we had…… 😈

When you are happy and secure in yourself, that attracts people. I was glowing that night, and we scored three good looking, sexy couples, each from different generation. We had private play, public play that turn into small orgy, then more intimate private play with very sexy couple. Somehow that night I got a lot of attention from the ladies, so my bi experience keeps moving forward. I watched John being orally pleased by one woman while he was pleasing orally another, very hot lady. I felt happy for him.

All that sex with others made us even more hot for each other. We had hot private sex between playing with others, more sex when we got home at 3 am and more few hours later in the morning. I will write separate post about it, because there is a lot to share.

That night was incredibly bonding experience for the two of us. Now I get it -shared experience, shared freedom. You are with someone and yet, you can still explore, you don’t need to push away big parts of your sexuality. You are not put in sexual prison. You can be yourself.

How ironic that, after all the jealousy drama, we bonded even more after the night of fucking strangers. I was afraid that him being with other women will take something away from us. The opposite happened – the bond got even stronger, the sex even hotter.

I am not naive, I realize that that jealousy will be finding its way back now and then. But now I know that I can overcome it. Before I didn’t really believe that it would be possible.

And I want to feel like I did that night: free, happy, empowered, with my head up high. Liberated. This is worth fighting for.